BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire.

PLACENTIA, CA — In a move lauded by progressive Christians, a local worship pastor revealed that he had made praise songs more accessible by removing all references to God and Jesus.

It's not easy for girls to win a track meet in California these days, what with dudes now allowed to compete. But there is hope! Here are eight hacks young ladies can use against their male competitors to still come out victorious on the track: