BOULDER, CO — Federal Judge Gordon Gallagher issued an emergency ruling blocking the deportation of the terrorist Mohamed Soliman and ordering the Jewish people he burned to be set back on fire.

PLACENTIA, CA — In a move lauded by progressive Christians, a local worship pastor revealed that he had made praise songs more accessible by removing all references to God and Jesus.

It's not easy for girls to win a track meet in California these days, what with dudes now allowed to compete. But there is hope! Here are eight hacks young ladies can use against their male competitors to still come out victorious on the track:

HARRISBURG, PA — According to sources, local wife and mother Karen Milton asked her sleeping husband to get her a glass of water Tuesday night, adding that she was only asking since he was already up and about.

OXFORD — According to the distinguished scholars at Oxford University, the story of the prophet Elijah being caught up to Heaven in a fiery chariot may be inaccurate. Instead, it is more plausible that Elijah was transported in a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have unveiled plans to continue doing the exact opposite of what everyone voted for them to do.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a growing outcry over Trump's immigration policy, Democrats warned that deporting an illegal terrorist family could be a slippery slope to deporting other illegal terrorist families.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy announced this morning that the USS Harvey Milk will be officially renamed the USS No Homo.